Something is happening to me. I feel as if I have lost my inspiration, my drive in life. Things are stale, not moving. My innate ability to cheer myself up is not there. I feel numb. I feel indifferent. I don’t necessarily feel sad or depressed. I just feel nothing.
I don’t remember the last time I feel this way. I have had sad moments, I have felt depressed, anxious and all that. But I don’t remember the last time I felt indifferent.
It’s not necessarily a feeling of peace either. Though, not having anxiety feels nice. But not feeling anything at all…? I am wondering what’s going on.
Maybe it’s just a sense of melancholy. The contrast of my usually hyper vibe. Is this how many people feel…? Those who feel stuck, those who hate where they are…?
I do have a sense of feeling stuck. My spirit wants to get up and move. But my physical body is not going anywhere. I feel a sense of obligation. Going against where my soul wants to go.
I am quite good at surrendering to my circumstances. I could be impulsively going for what I want at times. But I am also good at dealing with circumstances I don’t like.
How am I not able to bring my vibe back up? What’s really going on? I ask myself.
At the same time, knowing and feeling that everything is okay. Having faith that this too is for something and this too shall pass.
I am not holding on to being happy all the time. I accept myself when I am not feeling good. I don’t resist how I feel. I let myself feel everything I feel.
So what’s the purpose of all this? What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go?
How will I fill my cup this time?
[To be continued…]
Around 530pm, I went to meet with Amihai at his shop. I drew a ‘daily card’ on his counter. Obsidian #39 was what I got. The theme of the card – Know Thyself.
Referring to what I have written before, all the questions I was asking, I got this card – Know Thyself. Ha!
A poem I wrote at 7pm.
Let the suffering purify your heart.
Sit with the discomfort you feel.
All are meant to get you closer to your heart, to love, back to yourself.
The light at the end of the tunnel.
The rainbow after the storm.
The cliches have truth in them.
Two big words.
A life-long curriculum.